A statement from Golf

To keep being the worst, you have to innovate

Nick Barlow

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“To the worst in all of us.” (Photo by Sugar Golf on Unsplash)

Here at Golf, we’re proud of our position as the world’s worst sport.

It’s not a title we’ve earned easily. It’s taken decades — even centuries — of hard work to place ourselves at the summit of the pinnacle of terrible sports. We could have stayed at just being a good walk spoiled, but we wanted more than that.

Being the worst takes a holistic effort. It means every member of the golfing community doing their bit in a system that encourages them to be their absolute worst. What started with a few Scottish peasants on a beach hitting things with sticks has become a nightmare for the whole planet and we’re inordinately proud of that.

It has taken real effort and dedication to get this far. It’s not just about being the favourite sport of Donald Trump, Prince Andrew and countless other terrible people, it’s about doing that whilst still ensuring our courses are environmental disaster zones and then combining that with a dedication to supporting bigotry and patriarchy to the bitter end.

We did all this while keeping the sport itself as dull as possible too. Watch the man hit the ball with the stick, see who can hit the ball the least, then repeat, repeat, repeat every weekend from now until the heat death of the universe. Truly magical.

But here at Golf, we’re not going to rest on our laurels. It seems that every day, another sport is announcing a new way to be terrible, a new challenge to our position as the absolute worst. American football continues to seek to spread its gospel of militarised hyper-patriotism combined with chronic head injuries around the world. Cricket has never met a pile of cash it won’t willingly debase itself for, Boxing will let two people fight anywhere, anytime for the right price, and then there’s our biggest competitor, football.

A sport that can put a price tag on everything, where the clubs themselves are the playthings of states, where Super Leagues and Christmas World Cups tear up the old order in search of more. A behemoth of global greed filtered through what was once the people’s game, there has never been such a threat to our claim to be the absolute worst.

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Nick Barlow

Former academic and politician, now walking, cycling and working out what comes next. https://linktr.ee/nickbarlow